Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Deception of Time


   Time. A friend or foe? A word that has many sides. The facets of a jewel that can glimmer with hope or become dull with dread. 
Our pleasant memories can polish the shine. Sitting idol, having regrets, or our denial can often tarnish time, causing our recollection to lose its luster and fade in to the rearview mirror of life. 
Time can bring hope when trying to push through it, fueled with anticipation. Time can also bring destruction if used carelessly. 
Time can be preserved by photography, one of the greatest inventions of all time, freezing images then refreshing them in your mind when you open up that album or grandma's old hatbox. 

My father recently turned eighty years old.  
During his surprise party I began to reflect. My memories catapulted me back. Images of my father and my childhood flashed before my eyes like a movie on fast forward, yet the frames were clear.  
When you're eight, fourteen or even twenty five we can't fathom our parents being eighty years old. They appear as human monuments that are indestructible, forever standing strong for us to lean on. 
During one's youth age and the passing of time seems like some fictitious tale that we can't fully comprehend. We think time will stay still, and wait for us. We believe things will always stay the same. This is why change is so hard for some when evolution forces it upon us. 
I can still see my father on his hands and knees crawling through mountains of snow during the storm of 1977 eagerly helping my brother, sister and I build an igloo. 
I can still see the world tilting through my eyes, feeling weightless as he threw me into the air, catching me and tossing me over his shoulder like a bag of grass seed. 
Through evolving science there are a few ways that we can slow down or control the visual signs of time's progression.  This is where the deception can occur. 
As I mentioned, my father is now eighty years old. I think because he's taken such good care of himself that this might be why it's difficult for me to grasp this. 
My father is in great, physical shape and takes no medication. A retired school teacher, his mind is still sharp and full of knowledge. He still has a passion to educate and lecture to whomever may want to listen. 
These factors make it hard for me to believe that he is now eighty years old. Without the visual cues of age it's as if time has stood still. 
Since losing my husband, Mike in 2012, I now have a new respect for time. 
We never know how much of it we will have. We've been told to use it wisely. We've been told to seize the day. Despite all those 'timeless' quotes, it is easy to become spoiled, thinking we'll always have more of it. 
Time, a man's best friend or his own worst enemy.
 'We have time.' 
'There's no more time!' 
Sound familiar? 
As I watched my father blow out the candles of his eightieth birthday cake I reminisced on my most valuable lesson thus far.  I've learned through life's events, some good, and some bad, to not only look at my desired destination, but to enjoy the journey. Time is motion and it never stops. Father Time is something that demands respect. 

Justine Szot

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Mike's Tree of Life


Love is a Puzzle

Love is a puzzle
In its togetherness, it's tight
A perfect fit
It's joy
It's unification 
Spirits soaring
A weightless world
As Jesus walked on water
We walk on air
When the pieces are yanked apart
Pain reigns 
Hearts bleed
Nights are dark
Endless visions flash behind our lids
Some sweet
Some bitter
Decadence can dissolve 
Coating the tongue
A taste of desire
Perhaps a flavor gone sour
Fresh petals wither
But words hold power
Some sincere
Some a mirage
If love is lost
Look within
Self love prevails
An inner sphere no can destroy
Reach deep
Water it 
Feed it to others
What's given outward unconditionally
Always returns
Sow the seed
Your worthy gardener awaits
What one turns away from
Another will gladly face 
Whether you're alone or joined
We are love
I am love
No one has the authority to ever tell you otherwise
Happy Valentines Day ❤️🌹
* JC Szot

Sunday, September 27, 2015

        ~What is a Home~
A sanctuary 
Eternal comfort  
A protective shelter
A dwelling of multiple personalities
Breathing of love
Warmth
Hope
Sharing and caring  
The scene of great celebrations 
A mirror of joy
A shield 
Concealing the private pains of life
A house of secrets
Silent walls
Shutters whining with despair
Memories collected in the corners
Lovers entwined
Gasping in pleasure
Tempers flaring 
Harsh words hurling 
The air heavy with dampness
The raining of tears
Home
The core
Containing all that transpires
Forever between its people
Doors can be open
Doors can be closed
A structured heart that stands against all
No matter how full 
No matter how empty
Memories echo
A loyal companion 
Because...
There really is no place like home.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Stronger- By Molly Cerrigone

Stronger

I remember you constantly saying, 
You do it this way, not that way,
I remember you constantly saying,
I know what’s best for you either way,
But sometimes I can’t really tell,
Whether you care or not,
What is it you’re trying to really say,
am supposed to be you and not me, 
Why can’t you just see,
I know what I really need,
I know what is best for me,
I’m stronger,
Stronger than you really see,
Stronger than you want to believe,
Never gonna let you tear me down, 
Never gonna let you chain my soul,
I’m here to stay and show you I am,
Stronger than yesterday,


I’ve had enough, with you telling me who to be,
I’m not going to listen anymore, 
When all you’re doing is telling me,
Be this way, and embrace it,
It’s the life you’re supposed to live in,
Not anymore, not anymore,
Instead I’m going to show you,
I’m Stronger,
Stronger than you really see,
Stronger than you want to believe,
Never gonna let you tear me down, 
Never gonna let you chain my soul,
I’m here to stay and show you I am,
Stronger than yesterday,

Not gonna take anymore lies,
Instead I’m gonna fight,
Fight till you see,
Till you see the real me,
I’m ready to show,
Show who I am inside,
Show what I really want with life,
Show that I’m Stronger,

Stronger than you really see,
Stronger than you want to believe,
Never gonna let you tear me down, 
Never gonna let you chain my soul,
I’m here to stay and show you I am,
Stronger than yesterday,

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Then and Now in 2015



As the old adage goes, what a difference a year can make.  I hate to open up with something so cliché,  but it couldn't be helped. As writers we are warned time and time again to avoid such terms. 
Today I'm throwing all the rules out the window.  My writing since my husband, Mike's death has been very sporadic, my fiction virtually non-existent. 
I have two manuscripts that occasionally call out, nudging me with a gentle reminder. We'll see what happens. I did just complete a three part memoir series, please visit my nonfiction website, writing under JC Cerrigone.
http://www.mikestreeoflife.com
On this date last year I lost my husband, Mike after a sixteen month, valiant fight with AML Leukemia. 
Grief is a multifaceted thing, a piece of blackened coal that's under constant pressure. With today being the first anniversary of my husband's death I am finally seeing the sparkles glinting off of the newly cut edges of a jewel that's being unearthed.  I feel as if during the last year I have shared my space with a living, breathing thing. 
Grief ebbs and flows, it's tide and mood always shifting. It has multiple personalities. 
Grief can also be felt like a groupie, influencing and driving you by what 'those other people,' I'll call them, are always saying to you. 
One of the most difficult challenges for me was to have the courage to take ownership of my own grief. I've danced between the delicate line of being assertive and sounding like a deranged head case. Writing poetry has helped me achieve some balance with this. 
I needed to be as candid as possible without sounding rude, as well as not being influenced by how others reacted or what was said. Any 'off' tone or poor delivery could easily spawn a remark such as this. 'Justine's really freaking out today,' or 'She's having a bad day. Should we call someone?' 
Believe me, there were many of those. Thank God for my sister, Cecily. 
In my opinion, and my opinion only, I think taking ownership of your grief and your journey is really all about shrugging off the cliche phrases that really don't offer any type of comfort. 
These are phrases that I often used myself before I lost my husband. It just goes to show you never really understand something unless you go through it. Now I know how empty and sometimes hurtful these comments can be. Please note- I'm in no way bashing anyone today. I'm simply sharing my personal journey and what I've learned along the way and how I've interpreted things.  Everyone's grief is different. When dealing with the grief stricken I think the best avenue to take is to just, simply listen.
The comments that are over-used and should be avoided are-- 
Time heals all wounds
Things will get better once you have closure
You'll eventually get over it and move on. 
Everything will be okay. 
It'll all work out. 
First of all, time does alter all things, but the sense of loss is still there, and always will be. It will move with you along with the passing of time, but it does remain in some way or form. 
Closure. There is no such thing. My husband was part of my life for fifteen years. How do you close up fifteen years?  Think of someone who had been married for forty or fifty years. 
Death isn't something you get over. It's something you learn to live with. Well, some learn and some don't. I'll save that for a future post. 
More often than not, many people have the death to deal with as well as of a plethora of other issues. These other issues are usually family and friends who misplace their grief.  That's fighting about money, possessions and other assorted drama. (See my past blog post 'Death does not Warrant Drama.'
Someone usually has or hasn't done something that the grief-stricken feels should've been done, said, or handled differently. Again; it's always best to just listen, and offer to listen again whenever needed.  
After losing a spouse you are not only mourning their death, but the death of a life you used to have. 
It slowly drifts away, receding, getting smaller and smaller until it finally vanishes. 
Most of the people you spent years with are now gone, and then the search for the 'New Normal' begins. 
I will commend the educated professionals who advised that I wait a year until making any heavy decisions. With it now being a year later my new life is beginning to take shape. I have much more peace and stability. I'm mentally and emotionally confident that I can make hard decisions with clarity and certainty. 
I've kept very few of my old friends, but have made many more new ones. 
I'll begin to close with some advice. Again, I want to stress that these points are formed by my own opinion only and they are in no way meant to offend or be taken as 'law.' 
If you decide to become one of the people that have chosen to recede out of the grief stricken's life then I would suggest that you carefully evaluate your choice before taking flight, and make sure that you're willing to live with that decision. Dealing with your absence becomes part of our loss and just adds to the healing process.
Resurfacing later only refreshes the pain for the one who has suffered the loss. Don't wander back into our lives when you think things might be "safe" in order to relieve your own guilt due to avoiding dealing with and/ or coping with our loss. An example I'll share-
After a year and making some serious changes I heard from one of these individuals who chose to disappear. They sent me a text message-
'I'm very concerned about you.' 
For me, the one who's been living with the grief and attempting to regain my footing while processing the many changes that surround the death of a spouse, a statement such as this causes great angst. 
Where were they the last twelve months? 
Change is uncomfortable for many, even for the individuals who are not making the change. Does this mean they want to be involved and listen now? Or just criticize me for my decisions only to run away, yet again. 
Another personal example-
If you chose not to call or send a condolence card please don't send me something months later, such as a birthday or holiday greeting card with a photo of you and your children for my refrigerator. Seeing you and your family on display in my kitchen only keeps the wound of losing your friendship over something I couldn't control torn open and bleeding. 
If one chooses to make these attempts to re-enter and their efforts are ignored then it appears that the grief stricken has cut you off, and chances are, you handed us the scissors. It sounds harsh I know, but I'm a woman who now faces reality on all fronts. Mike's illness taught me that. 
My neighbor, Shiloh Thomas said it best-
'I'm having trouble finding what to say, but I'll always be here for you, Justine, just to listen.' I love her, and her husband, Lenny. They handled my loss with the upmost respect and sensitivity.   
My few other friends, and you know who you are, and my family, thank God for you all. 
 Time doesn't necessarily heal, but it certainly grooms the path and makes it smoother to travel. When catastrophic events occur in life it's vital that WE All pay attention to our behavior. We need to think of how we would feel on each end of a particular situation.  It's a great opportunity for all of us to build a little character.
Justine Szot




JC Cerrigone/ Nonfiction works
http://www.mikestreeoflife.com 

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Love is a Puzzle

Love is a puzzle
In its togetherness, it's tight
A perfect fit
It's joy
It's unification 
Spirits soaring
A weightless world
As Jesus walked on water
We walk on air
When the pieces are yanked apart
Pain reigns 
Hearts bleed
Nights are dark
Endless visions flash behind our lids
Some sweet
Some bitter
Decadence can dissolve 
Coating the tongue
A taste of desire
Perhaps a flavor gone sour
Fresh petals wither
But words hold power
Some sincere
Some a mirage
If love is lost
Look within
Self love prevails
An inner sphere no can destroy
Reach deep
Water it 
Feed it to others
What's given outward unconditionally
Always returns
Sow the seed
Your worthy gardener awaits
What one turns away from
Another will gladly face 
Whether you're alone or joined
We are love
I am love
No one has the authority to ever tell you otherwise
Happy Valentines Day ❤️🌹
* JC Szot